Rediscovering our Marriage

After going through the post of Yasmin, Romance…after Twins, thought of writing my view points…..

True life becomes wonderful after the arrival of a boy / girl. While a baby brings more stability & commitment in a couple’s life, at some point children can take a toll on our married life.

A woman takes the role of mother more than the role of a wife. Think of the time when you had to keep awake for late night diaper change including maintaining a proper routine for the baby’s food, bath and all related things like trip to the doctor’s clinic for the regular checkup & vaccines, while the husband is away at work.

It’s always the mother who keeps everything ready when the kids go to school like arranging the bags & books, keeping clothes clean & properly ironed with the shoes black & shining.

(I remember when we went to a school for admission procedures, the principal asked what the kid learnt in Montessori and straight forward said to my husband that she don’t expect the details from him as the father generally don’t know the course kid studies in a school).

On second thought, it can also be the other way round. The husband may be affected in the same way as the child takes the maximum attention.

The first thing to remember that as a parent, we should have a loving and sound relationship with lots of active communication & understanding so that the child is exposed to love, caring and sharing from the very first moment he / she starts picking up words and understands the meaning of a family.

I think at some point of time we women should take out time for ourselves to keep the marriage going.

 

The whole 3 years I was away in an unknown city when I had my baby, I used to ask my husband to buy clothes, toys for the baby but not a single item of cosmetics, jewellery and clothing as because I did not quite wanted to have anything for myself.

Away from relatives & friends and no social engagements, somehow a new dress or a lipstick didn’t mean much to me as buying a new pair of baby suit for the kid.

Though he had enough, I used to buy something every time we were out exploring the markets in the new place.

 

These days going out means going to a zoo or an enjoyment park where the kid can enjoy but not a late night movie where we as a couple can have spend sometime for ourselves.

 

I am not an expert to provide the right advice but I have tried the following options to have a balance in the married life for the sake of the kid as well as a couple.

Building a group:

Coincidently and luckily I have a close group of friends & ex-colleagues who had their babies at around the same time I had my kid.

So I try to organize a get together (mother & kids only), trips to the zoo or a family night out with close friends where the kids can enjoy and we can also relax and enjoy with the other couples.

Involving the kid:

My kid being very observative in nature, we tried engaging him in more activity oriented toys like various types of complex blocks, wooden toys (comprising of alphabets & numbers) and make him learn various pre-school knowledge like colour, shapes and sizes though innovative ideas.

So while the kid is engrossed in his play, we managed to have discussions on various topics like kid raising, parenting, final decision making on the upbringing of the child (as grandparents & relatives always seem to have rather different views on proper upbringing of a child) and also regarding other family related matters.

Expressing oneself:

While displays of affection in public is rare in our Country, a little verbal & physical expression like touching hands, gentle hugs and a little break in the weekends with a cup of coffee and even leaving quotes & love messages on the mirror / refrigerator can spice up the married life.

Yasmin has written about “maintaining physical contact” which is really necessary to keep the journey of life alive.

Be supportive:

After the arrival of a child, both the parents (specially mothers) undergo a lot of changes both physically & mentally. So if one partner is not as expressive as before, try to understand the situation what he / she is going through.

We both talked a lot on our worries & fears of a normal sex life and buried the initial guilt of enjoying a normal life after detailed & effective consultation with my gynaecologist.

 

So lets not forget about ourselves and this goes out for all, who wants to rediscover their marriage. So if one partner is stressed out, the other partner can take the initiative and see the difference. After all, it’s the gesture that counts most.

Wishing you all lovely couples out there a Happy Married Life!

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8 Comments

  1. Khushi

    Malini, thank you for this post. I like your ideas and I think they are practical. This part of our lives is so easy to neglect, and I have been guilty of neglecting it. I remember when I was still working and my son was 1 to 2 years and then again when I was at home with him from 2 to 3, my focus in all the ‘free’ time was getting things done for him. Strangely, becoming pregnant reminded me of taking care of myself, but again with the second I have been forgetting. Its so easy to do that, but its vitally important not to. I like the groups idea and the independant activities for the kids. Thanks!

  2. Yasmin

    Malini, I like all the ideas you mentioned.
    Marriage is tough enough, and personally I feel, that the added responsibility of having children can put a lot more stress on your marriage, (especially if it’s a rocky one). Having kids cannot ‘fix’ a marriage, quite on the contrary….
    Working as a team and having open lines of communication is so important.
    Thanks for putting more light on this subject.

  3. Anonymous

    Very useful article. Thank you for discussing these.

  4. Malini

    Khushi, Yasmin, Sarmila and all…Thank you.

  5. Malini

    Yasmin, I agree with you reg the points on a rocky marriage….I think we women learn to compromise for the sake of the kid and try to keep up the image of a happy family in front of the whole world.

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