Tap. Tap. Click. Click.

tap clickIt used to be that I could come to the computer and I had all these things to share. But for the last so many days I have been having a dry streak. I have nothing to say. I cant write anything. When I am at the computer, I browse CNN.com endlessly. I go to the desperate housewives site and look to see if they have a ‘spoiler’. I google random things. I waste time.

Its so useless, so pointless. My dad used to say that he loved the most brainless of Hindi movies because it would give him a break from thinking. But this is not even that. This gives me no pleasure. It makes me more tense.

Its almost as if I do it because I am a trigger (key) happy person. Click. Click. Click. I have something to do even in the ‘free time’ I get. Something useless, but something to do just the same. Its a bunch of random thoughts, facts, actions filling up evry last minute of my time.

So why…. I got to thinking.. why.¬† Why do I, even if I cant write, read a nice book I have been wanting to. Or sleep. Or clean up my room (that is a stretch I know). Or exercise.

And then it dawned on me. Its because of late my to do list has grown. Its overwhelming. I have too many things on it. I am not able to deal with it.

So if I sit down to relax, I feel guilty. If I sit with my book, I think of item no. 23: Go through shelf and collect books to donate to charity or item no. 15: Email room mom about christmas gift for teachers.

But I am determined to relax, so I do neither. Instead I creep over and keep tapping keys. Tap. Tap. Click.Click. into nothingness. Into ahalf hour cluttered with empty snippets to crowd out every attempt of that to do list to take over my mind.

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4 Comments

  1. I hear ya, girlfriend!! I seem to be going through a similar patch. It’s almost as if I’m addicted to the laptop, but have no satisfaction/pleasure to show for it. I even missed the deadline for my writing assignment that was due on Sunday!!!

  2. Khushi

    I hope you get out of it soon. It is frustrating. What was the assignment? I thought the letter was really well written the mental instability cascaded down the words.

  3. Indrani

    I kind of know what you feel. I have been doing the same for the last 2 months. I totally agree, its frustrating but at the same time it has become an addiction as well. I am trying to get out of it as well.

  4. Tana

    Khushi, I too can identify with this feeling and phase. There were years in between in which I could not write or have calm in my being to even read a book, even if it were an easy read… much less sit down to sing. The mind buzzes with busymaking and the internet is an easy addiction … but this too will pass and change. Being OK with this phase in your journey will propel you more quickly to a creative place, than resisting it.

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